Covering University of Colorado sports, mostly basketball, since 2010

Thursday, December 2, 2010

On NetBuffs and AllBuffs

With the coaching search winding down (*cough* Bieniemy *cough*) I thought I'd take a look at that most interesting sect of Buff Nation: the message board posters.

This is a small, adapted sampling of the shit-gruel flowing from these two bastions of Buff conversation over the past month. They've become the wild west of internet discussion (which is saying something), where lawless bands of ruffians run around crazily spewing whatever pops into their heads after explaining that it comes from "inside sources."  They may not understand that the voices in their heads aren't inside sources, but that doesn't mean it hasn't been fun to watch.

Word of advice to the guys over there: put the crack pipe down, and chillax.  The process has been pretty straight forward and public if you just pay attention.  I know in this era of 24 hour news and intertubes giving us instant gratification that waiting a few days seems like an eternity, but if you can just sit patiently and quietly for a few minutes you'll get your answer.

On to the fun....


Why hasn't Dan Hawkins been fired yet?  Mike Bohn is an asshole!  Regardless of his reasons, I want him fired this instant!  He must be too busy strangling kittens...

According to my highly placed inside source Hawk will be fired in the next 5 minutes, and, if he's not, it's not because I'm full of shit, it's because a grand cabal of liberals, feminazi's, athiests, and hippies conspired to keep it from happening.  It's also Mike Bohn's fault.

He fired Hawk (I was right! people will buy my bullshit now!)?  Well why didn't we have someone in place 5 seconds ago?  Obviously everyone in the country would drop whatever they're doing to jump onto the flaming Hawk-induced wreckage of the CU football program mid-season.  He should've hired someone just to hire someone.

My sources are reporting that the fix is in, Coach Mac will be announced as the new coach effective immediately, possibly within the next 5 minutes, and Gary Barnett, Jon Embree, and Eric Bieniemy will be on his staff.  And if that's not the case it's because a grand cabal of liberals, feminazi's, athiests, and hippies conspired to keep it from happening.  It's also Mike Bohn's fault.

It's definitely Dave Logan, with Mac as his DC.  Book it; my source is never wrong.

The search committee contains no former football players, therefore Mike Bohn hates America and rapes babies.

Mike Bohn is most definitely a racist even though I have no reason to say so and he's openly considering two prominent Black CU alum's for the head coaching position.

He needs to hire Eric Bieniemy RIGHT NOW, otherwise he hates CU football and is possibly a communist plant.

Brian Cabral needs to be hired regardless of the Nebraska game; he's the only one that understands Buff culture.

In the aftermath of the Nebraska game, I now question why Cabral was a candidate in the first place.

Houston Nutt was just hired as the Head Coach!  Right out of the blue!  Some random blog just said so!  Without confirming, I shall now use this event to question Bohn's manliness.

Houston Nutt's hiring is the worst thing EVER!  I can't believe that he would just hire someone right out of the blue like that!  Without even consulting the search committee that I can't stand and don't want involved.  Bohn is an idiot.

We never really talked to Houston about the job?  Well obviously Bohn caved to public opinion; what a pussy.

BREAKING NEWS:  I have a highly placed source that said all the big donors have gotten together and told Bohn that if he doesn't hire Mac RIGHT NOW, then they'll never donate ever again.  EVER AGAIN!

Troy Calhoun HAS the job.  It's all just a sideshow.  Even though he will publicly state in the next 5 minutes that he has no interest in coming to Boulder, he's already moving boxes into the office.  TRUST ME. This comes from the top.  Press conference is being set up right now.

Even though I've bashed Bohn for not hiring Eric Bieniemy immediately, I shall now question why more people with head coaching experience aren't being considered.  

Bohn is fucking with us!  He's intentionally releasing all of these wild rumors to play with our souls.  What an evil, evil man he is.

It's definitely Bieniemy.  Come back tonight at 10 for the details.

It's definitely Embree.  Come back tonight at 10 for the details.

It's Bieniemy.  My source is bigger than yours.

It's Embree.  Some guy on another site said so.

Bohn hasn't hired someone, anyone by my arbitrarily imposed deadline; therefore Mike is fucking this thing up!  We need to fire Bohn before he can hire someone.


Thanks NB and AB!  This has been one hell of an entertaining ride!  You're all crazy awesome (emphasis on the crazy part).